A little levity for us music folks
Here are the latest and most up-to-date definitions of some traditional musical terms.
ALLREGRETTO
When you’re 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo
ANGUS DEI
To play with a divinely beefy tone
A PATELLA
Accompanied by knee-slapping
APPOLOGGIATURA
A composition that you regret playing
APPROXIMATURA
A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an “I meant to do that” attitude
APPROXIMENTO
A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch
CACOPHANY
A composition incorporating many people with chest colds
CORAL SYMPHONY
A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven’s Caribbean Period
DILL PICCOLINI
An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes
FERMANTRA
A note held over and over and over and over and. . .
FERMOOTA
A note of dubious value held for indefinite length
FIDDLER CRABS
Grumpy string players
FLUTE FLIES
Those tiny mosquitoes that bother musicians on outdoor gigs
FRUGALHORN
A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument
GAUL BLATTER
A French horn player
GREGORIAN CHAMP
The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest
GROUND HOG
Someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won’t let anyone else play it
PLACEBO DOMINGO
A faux tenor
SCHMALZANDO
A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band
THE RIGHT OF STRINGS
Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Violists
SPRITZICATO
An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound
TEMPO TANTRUM
What an elementary school orchestra is having when it’s not following the conductor
TROUBLE CLEF
Any clef one can’t read: e.g., alto clef for pianists
VESUVIOSO
An indication to build up to a fiery conclusion
VIBRATTO
Child prodigy son of the concertmaster
AN-DANTE
A tempo that’s infernally slow
ANTIPHONAL
Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall
BAR LINE
What musicians form after the concert
BASSO CONTINUO
When musicians are still fishing long after the legal season has ended
BEN SOSTENUTO
First cousin of the second trombonist
CADENZA
Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote
CANTABILE
To achieve a complaining sound, as if you have a sour stomach
COL LEGNO
An indication to cellists to hold on tight with their lower extremities
CON SORDINO
An indication to string players to bow in a slashing, rapier motion
ESPRESSIVO
Used to indicate permission to take a coffee break
L’ISTESSO TEMPO
An indication to play listlessly (e.g., as if you don’t care)
MAESTRO
A person who, standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely
OPERA BUFFA
Musical stage production performed by nudists
PASTORAL
The beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy
PESANTE
An effect distinctly non-upper-class
PIZZICATO
Too much coffee — time to take a break
RUBATO
A cross between a rhubarb and a tomato
