ESSAY: So Why Are You Doing This?
By Allen Brings
Having arrived at a “certain age,” I have discovered to my surprise how much I’m learning from little children. A recent incident, for example, made it clear to me the real reason why I have always composed music and continue to do so. 
One afternoon, while I was playing tennis, I observed five little boys, ranging in age from three to five, taking a lesson from a “pro” on an adjoining court. At one point one of them jumped several times off the ground while flinging his arms into the air. Once upon a time I might have asked myself why he did that or what he thought he was accomplishing by doing it. I understand now how irrelevant that question is. Although one can explain how doing it probably contributes to the child’s physical development, the real reason he does it – and the real reason I have been composing all these years – is that he enjoys doing it and I enjoy writing music despite the effort, both mental and physical, it takes to do it. Yes, you can point out how my compositions helped persuade the music department at Queens College to engage me and then promote me with tenure, but even these reasons, as encouraging as I surely found them, were tangential to the real reason. In an article I wrote for New Oxford Review entitled “On Being Called,” I explained how the sense that each of us has a vocation was instilled in me by the dedicated nuns who taught me in grammar school. Only a short time ago, as I delivered a few remarks to the students at the high school I had attended, I tried to explain that the way to learn what that vocation is, is to be aware of the gifts that one already possesses and to understand that everyone, like Our Lady’s juggler, has them, mine at first being that, as my parents realized, I had an “ear” and some aptitude for playing a musical instrument. When I began to express an interest in composing my own music, not just in performing that of others, my parents and teachers – as I did – accepted this latest interest as being simply another manifestation of the art that I had already been cultivating, one that, furthermore, would never exclude any of the others. Nevertheless, while I continue to hold these views, they cannot explain the most fundamental reason why I have been so deeply immersed in this occupation: it is the same reason why the little boy jumps and flails his arms about.
Who among us composers hasn’t been asked a question like, “OK, so you write the music you enjoy writing, but just whom are you writing it for?” This question, unfortunately, is not one that a small boy can answer. It requires the kind of reflection that only a mature adult can provide, and my answer can only be my answer, not anyone else’s. To express it as baldly and as simply as I can, I write for the discerning listener, a listener willing to pay close attention to what he is listening to and does not demand to hear only what he is accustomed to hearing. Among such discerning listeners I include children no less than adults. The discerning adult is likely to be one who will read a poem several times as he becomes increasingly aware of the many meanings conveyed through the poet’s mastery of language, meanings that eluded him at first but that become ever more apparent as he reads each passage again and again. The heart of such a listener will likely leap up as he stands before a great painting, not wanting ever to walk away from it as he makes every effort to remember as vividly as he can what he is seeing. As the composer responsible for the music I have composed, I often see myself as the explorer who ventures deep into the mythical cave, leaving his fearful companions gradually behind the farther he probes into the unknown, and who returns to describe his discoveries only to be told that what he believes he has discovered can not possibly exist. What is a
performance of any of my compositions then but an invitation to hear what I have heard and to experience what I have experienced in that dark yet enlightening cave?
[Allen Brings is a composer of works for orchestra and many types of ensembles and instruments. His music been recorded on several labels. He is Professor Emeritus at the Aaron Copland School of Music, Queens College (CUNY), and Vice-president of Connecticut Composers, Inc.]